Angst Girl

Today was the first day at my shiny new job and it was BUSY. Thankfully it wasn’t the typical first day during which you sit and read the employee handbook, but boy, they really wanted me to hit the ground running. I already have two projects assigned to me, I sat in on 5 meetings, and I had to be present with human resources to discipline an employee. I know this is just the honeymoon phase, but I already love my job. So far the people have been great and it seems like the kind of environment in which I can thrive.

I’ve already had one-on-one meetings with the people who report to me to learn a little bit about them and what their goals are. The only bad thing is that I can already tell that I’m going to have a personality clash with one of the people I supervise, but that comes with the territory sometimes and I’ve had to deal with that in the past. The important thing is that I get along really well with my manager and can tell we’re going to be good friends. She took me out to lunch and we laughed the entire time.

The hardest part of the day was leaving Daisy at doggy daycare. I found a really great one and took her there one day last week so she could check it out but I stayed there with her. This morning I had to leave her there and it was hard. They have cameras all over the place and you can watch what’s going on over the Internet. I didn’t have too much time to watch her today but when I did see her she looked really sad and kind of scared of the other dogs. When I picked her up, they told me she whined and cried for most of the morning. :sniff, sniff:  I’m sure she’ll be fine as time goes on and she gets used to it but it’s hard to leave her there when I know she’s unhappy. My mother offered to take her for the day tomorrow but I think it’s best to keep taking her to daycare until she gets used to it, then I’ll probably take her to my mother’s once a week or so. She enjoys being with Daisy she just doesn’t want to do it full time. When I left her there this morning I understood how it must feel for parents to leave their kids at daycare; the guilt and worry were overwhelming.

So day one was good and I’m looking forward to see what challenges await me tomorrow.

I received a very good phone call today and I’m just busting with happiness. I FINALLY got a job! I interviewed with 3 different groups of people and took 4 tests for this job. The hiring process was very stressful and LONG (I started the process almost 2 months ago). In the last interview there was a woman who I was sure hated me but either I was imaging it or she was outvoted by all the other people who interviewed me. Yay me!

I’ll be working as a senior project manager at a large insurance company. Don’t worry, it’s not a health insurance company; they deal in annuities, life insurance, and other investment products. They’re a competitor of the Evil Empire for which I used to work but hopefully this company won’t be so evil. The really nice thing about the job is that I’ll be making almost $20,000 more than my last job (and I had a pretty nice salary before). I don’t choose jobs solely based on salary but we all have bills to pay so I’m glad I found a job that I think I’ll really like AND it has a nice compensation package. They also offer kick-ass health insurance and I’ll have 4 weeks of paid vacation each year starting day one. Because I’ll be a senior project manager, I’ll have 5 people who report to me. I liked being a supervisor at my last job so I’ll like that part of the job. It’s also nice that I’ll actually be using my Master’s degree for a change.

I can’t tell you, dear readers, how relieved I am to finally have a job. I’ve almost completely depleted my savings account and was afraid I’d have to dip into my 401K account. Luckily I got this job just in time to prevent that drastic of a measure. I start work in a week and I’m really excited to get back to work. I mean, it’s been nice to have my days free to do as I pleased and I’ll certainly miss that, but it will be nice to have a more regular schedule. Of course I’ve already been warned that this is more of a 50 to 60 hour a week job but I used to put in that many hours at the Evil Empire for less compensation so I’m ok with that. Mostly I’m worried about Daisy who will have to get used to being without me all day during the week. Tomorrow I’m going to research some doggy daycares in town so that she doesn’t have to be alone all day. With my shiny new salary I’ll certainly be able to afford daycare for her.

I’m so excited!

I just started reading The Time Traveler’s Wife and it’s making me nervous. I’m confused about the rules behind his time travel and, while I’m reading, end up flipping back to the section headings that state how old he is and the date to try to figure things out. I do this with books sometimes, getting caught up in the nitty gritty because I’m worried it will be necessary to know later in the book. I just about drove myself crazy when I read 100 Years of Solitude because there were a million characters introduced and they all had similar names. I finally realized about half way through that I didn’t need to worry about their names. So here’s my question, dear readers: do I need to worry about the dates and ages and try to figure out the rules for his time travel?

One of my recent selections from Netflix was the movie The Savages. It’s a very quiet, slice of life kind of movie. I really liked the movie and it’s stayed with me. It’s not the most uplifting movie in the world but I didn’t find it depressing either. The characters and their relationships felt very real to me and I could honestly relate to them and their dialogue. It deals with adult children scarred by an unfortunate childhood who have to deal with the decline of their father. I particularly liked the female character, played by Laura Linney, the best.

The seasons are definitely changing quickly here, in fact we seem to be pretty much skipping fall and heading right on into winter. Well, ok, it’s not quite that bad, but we’re definitely getting cheated out of a decent fall this year. It’s supposed to be about 60 degrees with pretty changing leaves; instead it’s in the 40’s with cold rain and wind that knocks all the leaves off the trees before they’ve had a chance to be admired.

I generally like rainy days but we’ve had so many of them that they’re getting a little old, people. What it actually feels like are the winters in Portland, OR which I found to be quite miserable. Cold and rainy with wind that cuts right through you. This weather does, however, make me miss my days in Portland when I was a music major in college. I lived on the beautiful campus of a private college and loved every minute of it (ok, not every minute but you know what I mean). I was a singer and days like these remind me of when I hurried across campus to make it to choir practice or voice lessons without breathing in too much of the biting air.

Even with the unseasonably cold temperatures, I’m actually looking forward to the first big snow. We’ve had a couple of light snowfalls already but not the kind that accumulates or even really sticks. They’ve made me hungry for a great big dump of snow. Of course, like in years past, I’ll grow tired of the snow quickly and whine and complain until spring. But right now I want the snow! What I don’t want is ice so I would rather it get good and cold and stay cold so that we don’t get ice storms. I’ll drive anywhere in snow but refuse to leave my house if there’s ice.

I hope you’re enjoying whatever weather your experiencing.

A couple weeks ago, Mackenzie Phillips was on the Oprah show where she read an excerpt from her book that detailed what she called a consensual affair with her father (for the record, she now calls it abuse). There has been quite a fallout following that interview, as one would expect. People are disgusted and don’t understand why it was necessary for her to share this with the world. But there has also been an outpouring of support by women who now feel compelled to share their own stories of incest. I applaud Mackenzie and all the other women for having the courage to tell their stories. This is my truth.

I don’t know exactly how old I was when it happened. I’ve wracked my brain trying to figure that out because I play a stupid game with myself thinking that if I was old enough to know better, then it was all my fault. I think I was 8 or 9 and my brother was 4 years older. My brother and I had been down the street playing in a creek and we were getting out of our swimsuits and getting cleaned up. My father was at work and I’m not sure where my mother was but she wasn’t in the house.

My brother and I were in and out of the bathroom and the shower, naked in front of each other. He asked me if I wanted to try something. I worshipped my brother and yearned for any attention he would give me. Of course I wanted to do anything in which he wanted to include me. We went to his bedroom, naked, and he told me to lie down on the edge of the bed. He had a loft bed so he stood on the ladder in between my legs. What followed was extremely physically painful and I yelled out in pain. He finally stopped, climbed down the ladder and helped me down the ladder.

It didn’t last long but the effects of that day live on. I feel disgusting, dirty, and ashamed. I didn’t resist his actions so I feel responsible. It was only one time but it may as well been years of abuse for how much it has affected my life. I loved and worshipped my brother and he abused me and betrayed my trust in him. After this happened I started gaining weight and my depression kicked into high gear. My brother and I have never talked about this. He lives in Florida with his family and I rarely talk to him, although we do exchange cards and gifts on holidays. I want to be mad at him for what he did to me but I carry too much self-blame to be angry at him. I hate myself for what happened even though, intellectually, I know that I was too young to give consent.

I’ve read a few posts about the new television season (here, here, and here) so I’ve decided the throw in my two cents on the topic. In other words, I’m stealing the idea from Kizz and Mrs. Chili (thanks guys!). I don’t have cable or satellite so, with one exception, these are all shows on free television stations.

1. Accidentally On Purpose. I had high hopes for this one because I like Jenna Elfman. I am in the market for a good sitcom but I’m afraid this isn’t it. It’s ok with some mildly funny moments here and there, but I’m afraid I’m still looking for a good sitcom. I’ll probably watch it again to give it another chance because of Elfman, but I no longer have high hopes. Elfman plays a woman who just broke up with her boss and decided to have a fling with a younger guy. The fling lasts a little longer than she intended and she ends up pregnant.

2. The Good Wife. This is the new Julianna Margulies show about a politician (Chris Noth) who gets caught having sex with hookers and is being investigated for criminal charges. His wife, Margulies, decides to stay in the marriage but is forced to return to work to pay for their mounting legal bills. I’ve only seen it once and it was ok. I like both Margulies and Noth but I’m not sure that’s enough to keep me watching.

3. New Adventures of Old Christine. Not a new show but one I’m glad to see seems to be making it. I love Julia Louis-Dreyfus and she has some great supporting characters as well as funny writing. This will likely be the only sitcom I continue to watch.

4. The Middle.Ugh. This was awful. It’s kind of a modern day Rosanne without any laughs.

5. Modern Family. This is another comedy that looked somewhat promising in the previews of it but I wasn’t terribly impressed. There’s an extended family comprised of a gay couple, a middle-class couple with kids, and a newlywed couple between an older man and a younger woman with a child. It made an attempt at wry humor and I’m not sure it really worked but I’m going to give it another chance.

6. Cougar Town. Yet another sitcom that I was hoping would be good and I have mixed feelings about. I’ll watch it again to see if it gets better. The premise is obvious: a divorced, middle-aged woman dates younger men.

7. FlashForward. Ok, I’m giving this one a try because it’s the kind of show that if you don’t watch it from the beginning, you’re kind of screwed. Almost everyone blacked out for two minutes and seventeen seconds during which they saw glimpses of their futures. Now the FBI is trying to figure out why. I noticed in the credits that it was based on a book so I went to Amazon and read the book reviews so I know what caused the blackouts but I’m still going to keep watching the show. There are some possibilities for some interesting discussions about whether the future can, and should, be changed.

8. Medium. Another show that is not new but I watch religiously and am glad it found a new home on another network instead of just being canceled. It gets a little annoying sometimes that no one ever believes her dreams, but I love the way they portray family life and I’m madly in love with the actor who plays her husband, Joe. Not the greatest show but I’ve gotten hooked.

9. Dexter. I have no idea what season this show is actually on because I’m forced to wait until it comes out on DVD. In fact, I don’t even know if this show is still on. Good readers, please tell me this show is still on! I love this show because it’s so unique and the actors are really good. I’ve just finished watching season three and am anxiously awaiting the release of season four on DVD. At first I wasn’t sure how they were going to make the premise work: the main character is a serial killer. But the writers are very clever and they created a character who we root for every week.

10. Jay Leno. Eh. I watched it and it’s better than some of the alternatives on at 9:00 on some nights but not a show I would ever choose to stay home to watch. Jay still has guests but the interviews are shorter and there’s usually only one; the rest of the time there are skits, Jay Walking, and Headlines.

Kizz over at The Women’s Colony posted today about kisses she experienced in her lifetime (and one she has yet to experience) and it inspired me to write my own post about kisses.

Like most everyone, I’ve had good kisses and bad (oh so bad!) kisses and it makes me wonder where people go astray when it comes to technique. And, being self-centered, it makes me wonder if I’m a good kisser. I REALLY hope I’m not bad, of course, but how do you really know? I’ve asked a few of the people I’ve kissed but I just don’t trust that they would tell me the truth if I truly was bad. I don’t know if I’d have the courage to be honest if asked the same question by someone I thought was a poor kisser. It would completely depend on the situation, I think.

The funny thing is, I don’t really remember the bad kissers – but I sure remember the good ones. Mmmmm, yes! I have three kisses that really stand out to me*:

When I was in my early twenties, I had been calling a local radio station and flirting with the DJ. We ended up exchanging home phone numbers and spent many, many hours on the phone. Being an overweight person I was scared to meet him because I was afraid he wouldn’t like me anymore. But finally he convinced me to meet him and we went to see a movie then went back to my house. We were sitting on the couch talking and flirting and we were slowly leaning in closer and closer to each other. I liked him so much and found him so attractive that my stomach was doing flip flops. Finally he looked at me and said, “I want you to kiss me.” The funny thing was that, even though he said that, I still couldn’t bring myself to make that leap. He let out a cute little laugh then leaned in and kissed me. He was an excellent kisser and I melted because I liked him so much. A couple years later he would completely break my heart.

When I was in my thirties and living in Minnesota, I met a man online who lived about two hours away from me but had family in my area. One weekend he called and asked me out for a late date to a casino. We left for the casino at about midnight and made the 45 minute drive, during which we sang along to a CD he had made. He was easy to be with and I was really enjoying the late night car ride. We spent a couple hours at the casino then headed back to my house. Because it was so late and he lived so far away I offered to let him stay at my place. I didn’t have a couch but we were both adults and decided we could handle sleeping in the same bed. We laid in bed and talked all night. As the conversation progressed, our heads got closer and closer until we were finally sharing the same pillow. Even as experienced as I am, I’m still naive and insecure so I spent the entire night wondering if he would kiss me. Finally, as the sun started to fill the room, he leaned in and kissed me. He was a great kisser and the sweet agony of waiting all night made it an even sweeter experience.

In my twenties I had my first sexual experience with a woman and I found, for me at least, kissing a woman is much different than kissing a man. I had a friend in whom I had confessed my desires and she confessed the same to me. One night we finally decided to explore our desires but man was I nervous. We were both shaking a little and very hesitant, but then our lips met and it was soft and sexy and magical.

For me, good kisses start soft and tender and build as the passion builds. What about you guys? Favorite kisses? Least favorite kisses? Theories on technique or how to tell if you’re a good kisser?

*For the record, The Beau asked me not to write about our first kiss so that’s why he’s not included here (but it was good!).

Here’s the thing, my friends, I don’t like change. I really don’t. I try to be the person who gracefully accepts things as they come and makes the necessary adjustment to life’s changes without bitching and moaning, but I’m just not that person. I WANT to be like that but have yet been unsuccessful in transitioning myself. And since I’m quickly approaching my 41st birthday, I just don’t think it’s gonna happen.

As I noted previously, I had a little computer hiccup and decided it was time to update my laptop. The woman at Barb’s Computer Service (yay Barb!) said that I was lucky it lasted this long because you can’t expect much more than 3 years out of a laptop. At that point the screen and motherboard are on borrowed time. I’ve had my laptop for more than 4 years.

So it was very exciting to go on the Dell website and customize a new computer for me (the paying for it didn’t exactly attain the same level of excitement, however) and dream about all the additional music I could download on a hard drive that is three times the size of my old one. Then there’s the anticipation, waiting for my new computer to arrive from the kindly Fed-Ex guy. But, like many things, the reality doesn’t quite live up to the hype of the anticipation period.

The first thing I did, as I was unpacking her, was give her a name. Henceforth she shall be referred to as “Lola.” Then I plugged her in and turned her on. Hmmm, that sounds dirty. Anyway, what greeted me was completely new because this is the first time I’ve ever seen Windows Vista. I’ve heard the grumbling and complaining about it, but had not experienced it until today. I was hoping, when I was ordering Lola, that I would still have the option to install Windows XP but no such luck. So far I hate Vista but I’m sure that’s mainly because it’s all new and, as I mentioned, I hate change. I want to be able to zoom around and do what I want to do as easily as I did on my old computer (Penelope).

I was, at least, able to get to my email which is important. But to add even more frustration, Office 2007 looks COMPLETELY different than the 2005 version so that’s all Greek to me, too. I just want to do what I want to do! So it’s exciting to have a new computer to play with but I’m not digging all the changes I’m going to have to get used to. I’m old and set in my ways, dammit.

We’ve had some very high profile deaths in recent months and although I certainly feel sympathy for the families of those people, I’m sick of hearing about them. Why has it, apparently, been decided that current world news should be preempted by memorials to the dead? I turned on the national news the day Ted Kennedy passed away and the entire 30 minutes were used to talk about him and the Kennedy family.

At least, of course, Teddy held a political position in this country; it was even worse to see real news preempted by talk and speculation about the death of Michael Jackson. I mean, he was an entertainer and I think coverage of his death should have pretty much been limited to entertainment news programs. For about two weeks every prime time news program was dedicated to gossip about his life and death. I’ve never really been a fan of MJ but I grew especially sick of him because there he was every time I turned on the TV.

Is this the new trend for high profile deaths? Why do the networks think we’re so interested in rehashing the details of these deaths? Maybe I’m in the minority and most people really do want to see all that coverage and don’t mind that the line between news and entertainment is blurred. What do you guys think?

So I woke up last Thursday and turned on my computer just like any other morning. Instead of hearing the friendly chimes of Windows starting up, I hear two loud beeps and saw a black screen with a message telling me that it can’t find my hard drive. Aaaaahhhh! I turn it off and on several times to no avail. Sigh.

I took it in to the shop but decided it would be foolish to sink $200 into a new hard drive for a 4 year old laptop. So I left it there strictly for data retrieval and promptly ordered a new laptop from Dell using my mother’s computer.

I just got my laptop back from the shop along with an external hard drive I bought for them to load the data onto. Just on a whim I turned on my laptop and SHAZAM! It works again! I definitely feel like I’m living on borrowed time, however. I don’t get my new laptop until about September 15th so if I disappear for a while it will be because my computer crashed again. Wish me luck!