Angst Girl

I know it’s appreciated when I don’t let too much time go between posts so I’m just checking in to let everyone know I’m still here and keeping my head above water, if only slightly. The monster has been getting to me lately but I’m managing to still fight it.

The Beau is planning to whisk me off to Chicago for a short trip to try to get me into a better frame of mind. I love Chicago and it always makes me feel better to sit in the art museum, soak in the beauty of the art, and people watch. Right now it’s wicked hot in the Midwest (95 degrees and extreme humidity) so we’re going to wait until next week when it’s supposed to be a little more reasonable.

What about you guys? What’s your favorite place to visit?

Today’s Ten Things Tuesday is all about the things I love about my furbaby, Daisy.

1. Cuteness Factor. Who wouldn’t love a face like that?

2. She’s a Snatcher. Daisy likes to collect bits and bobs from around the house and she adds them to her collection on her chair. She’s especially partial to paper and I have to be careful not to leave important papers within her reach. Although annoying at times, I find this practice to be absolutely adorable and I love watching her skulk around looking for treasures when she’s in stealth mode.

3. Eating. She has a sensitive stomach and if I don’t feed her early enough in the day she’ll go on a hunger strike, then go outside and eat grass and puke it up on the carpet. Because of this I always listen for sounds of her eating; it makes me happy to hear her eat because then I know her stomach isn’t upset. After she’s done she makes cute little smacking sounds with her tongue and then lets out a large belch. It’s hilarious.

4. Water. Completely contrary to everything I read about the breed, Daisy LOVES to play in water. I have a little kiddie swimming pool for her that, on warm days, I dump some water and ice cubes in for her to play with. She also loves playing with water as it’s poured out of a watering can. She’s hilarious.

5. People Grumpiness. Daisy absolutely loves my friends and family, but gets a little grumpy when we encounter strangers who want to pet her. Although I do wish she was a little more flexible with people, I love that we’re both grumpy about strangers wanting to engage us. If I could get by with growling and snapping at strangers who want to chat with me, I totally would do it.

6. Play. She loves to play and has a gazillion toys. I, however, do not always feel like playing with her so she finds ways to amuse herself sometimes. She will take a ball into the kitchen and drop it on the tile floor and watch it bounce, then nudge it with her nose and watch it roll away. She does this repeatedly to amuse herself when she can sense that I just don’t feel like playing with her or I’m busy doing something else. It’s a riot.

7. Smart. She’s really quite a smart dog. A little airheaded sometimes, but basically very smart. She would always get her chain wrapped around something outside and I began saying “go around” while I was unwinding her. Finally I just told her “go around” and she figured out what she needed to go around and which direction! I find it amazing that a dog can figure that out. That’s my Daisy!

8. Window Watching. She loves to stand on her hind legs and look out the window. I LOVE that she looks like a little old bow-legged man when she does!

9. The Candy Dish Incident. I have a candy dish with hard candies on a low table in my living room. It’s been there for over a year without Daisy taking any particular notice (or so I thought). One morning I came out and there was only one candy in the dish. I looked over at Daisy’s chair and saw quite a collection of candy wrappers. She had stolen my candy, chewed off the wrappers, and eaten the mint candy. I tried to admonish her for her sneaky behavior but I was laughing too hard. Her breath was minty for days.

10. Daisy. I named her “Daisy” because daisies make me happy and she definitely brings many smiles to my face every day. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I know that accumulating things is not the reason we are here, I get that. But there are still some things I’d like to have to make life a little easier or more enjoyable. Here’s a list of ten things I’d like to have:

1. Washing machine. Yep, mine died. I now use it as an expensive shelf. I absolutely abhor going to the laundromat but since I’m still looking for a permanent paying gig, I’m not willing to shell out the money for a new one. I have friends and family on the lookout for a cheap washer so hopefully something will show up.

2. Dryer. The dryer died a while ago. I have people on the lookout for one of these, too.

3. Dishwasher. This was the first major appliance to bite the dust in my appliance-challenged house. I know that a dishwasher is hardly a necessity and I’m perfectly capable of washing dishes by hand. But I hate washing dishes and I would really like a functioning dishwasher.

4. Swimming pool. Ok, this is just a fantasy wish because I would never get a pool for just me, but I would use the hell out of it if I had one. I LOVE to swim.

5. Gift certificate to craft store. Seriously, it helps to have a lot of supplies around if you’re the crafty type. There’s always a situation for which I need a certain kind of paper I don’t have or an embellishment that would really work well on a card. I could spend hundreds of dollars quite easily at the craft store.

6. Wood flooring. When I moved into this house a couple years ago there was somewhat old, dingy carpet in the living room and it’s still there. I really want to tear it out and put down nice wood flooring.

7. Money for flood victims. I’m still working with flood victims trying to put their lives back together and they still need amazing amounts of stuff. I’m sick of asking local citizens (and some of you out there in blog land) for donations when it’s the federal government that should be coughing up the cash. One year later and still there are hundreds of houses that sit exactly the way they were when the flood waters receded. It makes me sick.

8. Bathtub. I have a nicer than average garden tub in my master bath, but it’s too short for me. I would really like to be able to stretch out my legs while I’m soaking in the tub.

9. New shoes. I pretty exclusively wear Burkenstock shoes and wear them until there’s nothing left. I could use a new pair.

10. Chocolate. Seriously, it’s been 2 months since I’ve eaten chocolate. I’ve heard people say that once they stop eating processed food and sugar that they stop craving it. Not this chick.

Last year at this time, the angry Cedar River swelled beyond its banks and swallowed 100 square miles of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Homes and businesses were destroyed, people were left homeless with only the clothes on their backs, and the city was in shock. We lost all of our government buildings including the jail, the main firehouse, the police station, and the courthouse. Our library was a complete loss including the entire collection of books, magazines, computers, and reference material. We were devastated.

One year later there are still people who are living in FEMA trailers who don’t have enough money to rebuild or even tear down their destroyed homes. Piles of junk still line some city streets, not letting us forget the devastation that occurred. Some of the businesses in the downtown area have been able to rebuild and reopen but most homeowners are less fortunate. We’ve come a long way, to be sure, but we have so much further to go. We’ve had to fight the federal government for every bit of aid we’ve received and it hasn’t been nearly enough. We were forgotten when, shortly after the flood, the financial industry came calling with their hand out screaming for a bailout.

Since it’s been a year since The Flood, the city is planning a week of festivities to mark the anniversary and celebrate how far we’ve come. I understand this need to commemorate what has happened and do something that feels more positive, but there are families who are still struggling every day to pick up the pieces of their lives. The city is talking about spending a lot of money on these festivities and it’s gotten some of the neighborhood groups a little hot under the collar because they feel the money would be better spent on continuing to rebuild what was lost. There are several groups planning to boycott the events in protest and I’m going to join them. There are ways to celebrate how far we’ve come without spending tons of money and while still recognizing how far we have to go. How about sponsoring a week of volunteering to help people clean up their ravaged homes followed by a big celebration at the end of the week?

Mostly I find it a shame that, once again, the flood is going to split the town apart.

Recently I made the “confession” that I am fat and stated that I am against fat jokes. Stoogepie wrote a lengthy response to the post here that I think warrants some discussion.

First of all, I must disclose that part of the reason I wrote that post was because of a post I read on Stoogepie’s blog which you can read here. I was a little riled up after reading that post and felt the need to respond in some way. In his response to my post, Stoogepie states that “fat has nothing whatsoever to do with beauty” but also feels that fat jokes are acceptable just like jokes about being tall, hairy, bald, or old.

Here’s my take on making fun of people – it’s usually just not funny to me. I say “usually” because I can’t say I never laugh at jokes at the expense of others and am certainly guilty of ridiculing people I perceive to lack intelligence or common sense. I also recognize this post could be one huge rationalization on my part – that’s why I wanted to respond to Stoogepie’s comment so I could see my behavior and beliefs in print to see if they seem valid.

Generally I find jokes about individuals to be mean-spirited so they aren’t funny to me. As far as making fun of fat people, we are already so vilified in society that I think to make jokes about us constitutes kicking someone when they’re down. Unless you’ve lived a while in my shoes you can’t understand how much hatred we experience from others. It’s one thing for a comic on TV to make a fat joke – I just roll my eyes and move on. But I have strangers make comments to me (or to their friends in a voice that’s loud enough for all to hear) about my appearance. I’ve had cashiers tell me that I shouldn’t buy this or that because I’m already too fat. Quite a few years ago I was walking into my house and heard someone across the street and down the block making pig noises at me. Tell me how I’m supposed to laugh those things off. Some people are perfectly hateful toward fat people and I’m sick of it.

I make sarcastic comments about people who can’t seem to operate in the world in a way that indicates they have any common sense, sense of decency, or consideration for others. I do not make fun of physically disabled people, mentally disabled people, alcoholics, drug addicts, people of color, homosexuals, tall people, bald people, old people, or hairy people. Those kind of jokes just aren’t generally funny to me because they seem more mean than funny. That, to me, is 3rd grade humor and I’ve matured beyond that level and appreciate it when others mature beyond that level as well. I’m not a humorless person and, in fact, most people would describe me as quite humorous. I just choose to not make most of my jokes at the expense of others.

Hmmm, I still don’t know if I’m being a hypocrite and rationalizing my behavior. What do you guys think? I know that, thanks to Stoogepie, I’ll be much more aware of the jokes I make in the future to see how it feels. If it feels I’m being mean and unfair I’ll probably try to modify what I say because I know how miserable it is to be on the other side of a joke.

Thanks for making me think, Stoogepie – I like that.

I’m fat. That’s my confession. It’s not that I’ve lied about it here, I just never mentioned it because who wants to announce to the blog world their worst physical flaw? It would be like someone posting about how much of an asshole he is or someone making a point to mention she has a big nose and bad acne. I just read a post, however, that got me a little riled up and decided to come clean. I trust that my regular readers won’t really care and anyone who does can go fuck themselves because I’m better off without them.

I’ve struggled with my weight ever since I was molested as a child and I hate it. I’m finally able to do something about it and am losing some weight in preparation of weight reduction surgery. A major step, to be sure, but for various reasons I feel it’s right for me. It’s not “the easy way out” because there’s nothing easy about it.

What I’ve never truly understood is why some people feel the need to ridicule fat people. Trust me, our lives are tough enough. It’s embarrassing enough to be fat without someone publicly drawing attention to it. And who doesn’t laugh at a fat joke? Ha ha, it’s all so fucking funny. What people don’t seem to understand, or want to understand, is that underneath all the weight is usually a great deal of pain. Instead of drinking away my problems or turning to illegal drugs, I ate to try to escape the pain. Nothing funny about that methinks. There’s alcoholism in my family so I could have just as easily become a raging alcoholic but I didn’t, I became a foodoholic. And now I have to learn how to modify how I eat and deal with all the pain that’s going to surface as I lose weight. I know that the reason I chose to eat myself to my current weight is, in large part, because of the depression and the molestation. It’s my insulation against the world but it doesn’t really work very well.

Anyway, that’s my big confession and I will be incorporating tales about my struggles to lose the weight in my blog posts. No more hiding. I trust my blog friends will be supportive or will at least keep any negative thoughts to themselves.

…that’s the sound of me dusting off my blog. It has been a while since I posted, eh? Not much has been going on to report – still keeping my head above water and muddling through.

My mother and I have strange problems at our houses. Any electronic device that crosses her threshold seems to cease working properly. Computers, battery operated tools, etc. My house, on the other hand, is tough on appliances. Since I moved into this house two years ago, the dishwasher has gone on strike, the dryer has ceased to dry, and now the washer is giving me fits. It will spin ok but it won’t agitate – it just sits there, full of water and clothes, and smokes and stinks. I paid a repairman $90 to replace the belts and that worked for a little while but now it’s back to smoking, stinking, and NOT agitating. Well, I’m agitated alright even if it refuses to. Sigh. Another call to the repairman is in order.

A new store opening in town, Daffodillies, wanted me to sell my cards in their store but I just don’t have enough of an inventory to make it worth while. They charge $50 a month plus you have to work a day a month in the store but then you keep all the money from the sales. I don’t think I would sell enough cards to make any money at it and I really hate to turn it into a job. Usually I work well under pressure, but not when it comes to making cards. There’s still another store that wants to sell my cards and I will sell them there because the owner will buy my cards wholesale and I don’t have to work in the store. Once I sell them to him it will be his problem whether they sell in the store or not. I’m also thinking of selling my cards on Etsy which is like eBay but it’s strictly for handmade items. We’ll see; I’m not really in the right space to deal with too much pressure right now.

Another craft I’m going to get into and try to sell is Scrabble tiles. I’m going to coat them in Mod Podge, glue a jewelry hook to them and sell them as pendants for necklaces. The idea is that you buy the letter that represents your initial. My uncle saw them at a sale and said they were going like hotcakes. It’s easy and worth a try. Since my mother is selling her items at the Daffodillies store we’re just going to work on this together and sell them there along with her other stuff.

I’ve started watching what I eat and consciously limiting myself to a certain amount of calories every day. So far I’ve lost about 15 pounds just by doing that. I still have more to lose but am happy that it’s been a relatively easy change to make. At first I craved “bad” things but that’s kind of passed now. I can’t wait until my tomato plants start producing because I’m going to eat the hell out of them this summer!

I’m on my last couple weeks of scoring the student essays – thank heaven! I almost got fired because I graded them too strictly. Basically I’m supposed to bend over backward to give them a good score. Sigh. I don’t agree with it but it is what it is and it’s bringing in some money so I can pay the stupid appliance repairman.

I had my first session with a new therapist today. Ugh. I’m not sure I like him which pretty much means I don’t. Even though it was only the first session and talk centered primarily around therapy goals and background information, I spent most of it wiping away tears. Tears come easily to me when I’m touched, proud, frustrated, or overly sad and I hate it. We had to talk a little bit about the sexual abuse I experienced when I was young and that started it all of course. But then he asked a question that really made me sad.

He asked me about my spiritual beliefs and when I answered that I have no particular religious beliefs he asked me The Question. “What is your purpose?” Wow. That’s one hell of a question and I had no prep time, no time to whip up a rough draft or anything. I answered truthfully, “I don’t know what my purpose is.” That is a sad statement to have to make and it’s bringing tears to my eyes again.

What about you guys – what do you think your purpose is? Why are you here?

I’m still here everyone. I’ve just found myself, once again, at the bottom of a large hole of depression. Woo hoo! Apparently the medication I started a few months ago only gave me two good weeks and then I was right back in my crevice of melancholy. Oh well, I had two good weeks. Now I’m just struggling to keep my head above water but I’m still fighting. Go Angst Girl, go!

I haven’t been up to much recently which is primarily why my posts have been sporadic. I try not to go too long without posting something but time slips away from me sometimes. I recently sold about $60 worth of cards at a craft sale with my mother. A woman came to the sale and took my business card because she’s opening a store and wants to carry my cards. I’m excited but also feeling a little overwhelmed. When I’m really depressed my card making mojo goes on the fritz and I just don’t feel like creating anything. But I’m going to try to do the best I can. I also have another store that’s opening up that wants to sell my stuff so I could certainly keep busy if I could just get my ass in gear.

Do you guys remember that I was working with an artist to create some unique images for card making? He’s gotten a few done of gay couples and also one of a Shiba Inu dog. I’m currently trying to find some people who are interested in designing some cards using the images so that I can get some publicity but I’m having trouble finding people who want to deal with the whole gay issue. They’ll be sorry when my line of images is all the rage. I’m not completely happy with the images but the artist I work with is doing it for free, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to afford paying someone. My goal is to make enough money to commission another artist who has more experience creating images like these. Who knows where it will go from here but so far it’s only cost me a little time so if nothing comes of it there’s no big loss. If you’re interested you can take a look here.

I also got another batch of chicks – 10 of them this time. They’re so cute! These are Rhode Island Reds so they’re a real pretty rusty red color. They’re in the kitchen cheeping away right now.

That’s about all that’s going on with me; I just wanted to check in and let you know I’m still here and holding my own.

Wow, it’s been forever since I’ve posted a TTT post (shame on me!).  Here are ten things for my fellow word lovers…

1. A backward poet writes inverse.

2. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

3. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

4. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

5. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

6. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

7. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

8. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10. Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.