Angst Girl

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Stuck

Adult

As the title of this post suggests, I’m feeling stuck. My weight has plateaued so I’m making absolutely no progress toward my biggest goal of getting into shape. And, worse yet, I’m not doing anything about it. For about the last month I haven’t been feeling up to par.

For the first couple weeks I just didn’t feel well and had no motivation or stamina. Then I entered a week in which I slept pretty much around the clock. Now I’m back to feeling weak and with no get-up-and-go. It’s terribly frustrating.

Because I’ve had a heart attack, the first thing I thought of was a problem with my heart so I called my cardiologist and he scheduled an echo of my heart. Luckily, that turned out to be okay and my heart function seems to be normal.

The next thing I thought of was my thyroid problem for which I take levothyroxine every day. A low thyroid level can cause lethargy as well as a host of other problems. So I’ve scheduled an appointment with my internist for this Wednesday. I assume she’ll want to do a battery of blood tests. Hopefully that will get to the bottom of this.

Of course I’d be a fool not to consider a psychological problem due to my history with clinical depression. But it really doesn’t feel like that’s the problem. I didn’t feel depressed when all this started. I do, however, feel a little depressed now because of my lack of ability to get anything accomplished. I sit and look around at the pit that is my house and try to convince myself to get up and start cleaning. To this point I’ve had very little success. Instead, I sit around and beat myself up for not cleaning or doing anything. And that, my dear readers, will make anyone depressed. I’m still open to the possibility that it’s psychological but I want to rule out a physical problem first because that would be easier to deal with. Plus, I can’t get in to see my shrink until April.

I have a number of projects around the house that I want to get to beyond just cleaning but nothing’s getting accomplished on those fronts either. I feel like a prisoner in my own body; like I’m disconnected from my physical self and have no control over it. I was walking three days a week on the track at a local hospital but that has fallen by the wayside. Yet another reason to beat myself up and not make any progress on my weight loss goals.

So what have I been doing with my expanse of time? Sitting around watching bad TV, that’s what. It wasn’t until I got cable TV that I realized how many terrible reality shows there are. I’ve managed to avoid most of them, flipping right past them. But I do have a few favorites (“Deadliest Catch,” “The Voice,” “NY ER,” “Long Island Medium”). I avoid the Kardashians like the plague because I can’t fucking stand them. I’ve been watching a lot of “Sex and the City” reruns and classic TV shows. Oh, and listening to my neighbor’s loud music. That’s always a joy.

Stuck. I’m feeling it in so many different ways and it sucks. I need to shake things up and get off my ass and do something. Or at least cut myself a break and quit berating myself for NOT doing things. Obviously thinking negatively about myself hasn’t helped me get moving so I may as well be more gentle with myself and see how that works. I’ll keep you posted.

Julia

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Procrastination

Creativity

My time in cardiac rehab is coming to an end so I really need to get set up going back to Curves. I KNOW I need to call them to see if they want a doctor’s okay or for me to set up a time to go through orientation again. Am I doing it? Nope. I’ve gained a little bit of weight lately so I really need to do something, but I just can’t get myself to do it. I’ve always hated exercising and that hasn’t changed.

One of my worst habits is procrastination. I make to-do lists all the time but I use that to avoid actually doing anything. I enjoy being able to cross things off the list but that’s still rarely enough to give me the impetus to actually do anything. I hate it and I use it to chastise myself, as if that’s going to get me to move. It doesn’t. I just sit there beating myself up and use that to avoid the tasks I need to get done.

I am envious of people who actually are able to keep moving and get stuff done. My best friend is one of those people. When she has things to do, she’s a maniac. She has her days during which she relaxes but for the most part she’s always moving. Why can’t I be more like her?

Right now I’m writing this blog entry to avoid going to sleep. Yep, I even procrastinate when it comes to sleeping. It’s sad. If anyone has a magical way to stop my procrastinating, I would greatly appreciate it if you shared it in the comments.

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